INTRO TO TEACH EMS: VETTING

Starting our newest Teach Em series with one of the most important topics, this one is going to be rather useful for those new to the community but hopefully, I have some content for everyone! Feel free to add more advice in the comments. More educational content will be found here: Teach Em Tuesday. Before we get started it is important to remember that communication is key in all healthy dynamics.

WHAT IS VETTING?

The actual definition is to make a careful and critical examination of something. To investigate thoroughly in order to ensure they have the required personality, trustworthiness, and/or loyalty required for the position. In terms of the K!NK world, vetting a potential play partner is a direct way to determine if they are compatible with your vision of a dynamic. The vetting process allows two people to compare their wants, needs, desires, morals, limits, etc. against one another. This also helps to test the waters and determine how one might react to their desired role. Make sure you are mindful of your needs and those of your partner and allow yourself to be open and honest about what you are looking for.

HOW & WHEN DO YOU BEGIN VETTING?

In most cases, when you start talking with a potential play partner, whether online or in real life, you tend to start to get to know the person without K!NK being mentioned explicitly and this can be considered the beginning of the VETTING process. VETTING can begin as soon as you start having extended conversations with a potential play partner and it is important that a conversation does occur before getting straight to the K!NK- related questions. As with everything, communication is key and failure to communicate openly and honestly can be detrimental to both parties of a dynamic. We want open and honest communication so that you can decide if this person is right for what you want to get out of this dynamic. K!NK-related questions help to make an informed decision and allow you to determine what it is a person wants out of a dynamic and what they expect from you.

SOME EXAMPLES OF POTENTIAL QUESTIONS INCLUDE;

Do you have any health conditions, sexual or otherwise, that I should be aware of? How long have you been in the lifestyle? Do you think you've changed since you started exploring? What are your top k!nks? What are your hard limits? What are your soft limits? What are some things you haven't tried, but would like to? Have you ever experienced Dom/subspace? If so, how would you describe it? Have you ever been unable to speak when in If the experience was enjoyable, what caused it? Have you ever seen/experienced a drop? If so, how did you handle it? If not, how would you like it to be handled, if it were to happen to one of us? How many Doms/subs have you had? Why did the dynamic end? Do you have a favourite scene you've done? What is your stance on the use of punishment in a dynamic? Tell me about a scene that went wrong? How did you correct the issue/scene? These questions aren't meant to be comprehensive and some may not be applicable to your scenario. These are an example and a starting point for assessing the safety of a partner and for discussing the wants, needs, desires, morals and limits before entering into a dynamic.

A s3x menu would be good for both parties to fill out, and it will show your limits, and theirs. It is recommended to fill it out separately and then you can talk about everything together. A link explaining what a s3x menu is will be attached to this post.

PAY ATTENTION TO ACTIONS, BEHAVIOURS AND PATTERNS

Anyone can say the right thing. Some people pay attention to what you want to hear and will say what they think you want to hear. Words aren’t completely unimportant but they shouldn’t be your main source of information. It’s not what someone says that matters as much as what they do. If their actions don’t match their words, that’s a very bad sign. And yes, anyone can make a mistake once or twice, so that’s why it’s important to look at patterns. Some people are smart enough not to do the same thing twice, but if you’re constantly dealing with apologies, that could be a pattern, even if the behaviour is completely different each time. Remember: You should feel comfortable talking to potential play partners about your interests and desires. If you're not comfortable discussing such things, it may be worth exploring where the discomfort lies. Failure to communicate is not only unfair to your play partner, but it increases the chance of being put into a dangerous situation for both of you. As such, you should expect any potential partner to ask you similar questions to those above and if they're not asking questions of you, or aren't interested in your answers, it's a red flag. If you're concerned about whether or not a kinky person is safe to play with, take some time to consider why you're feeling this way, and return to the conversation again with fresh eyes or ask a friend within the community for their opinion.

Sources of further reading:

Sex Menu: A Beginner’s Guide for Doms and Subs

BDSM Vetting: What, When, and How It’s Done

Until Next Time,

The Bogan