INTRO TO TEACH EMS: PRE-SCENE NEGOTIATIONS

The Bogan -

Continuing our newest Teach Em series with another of the most important topics, this one is going to be rather useful for those new to the community but hopefully, I have some content for everyone! Feel free to add more advice in the comments. More educational content will be found here:

TEACH EM TUESDAY

What are PRE-SCENE NEGOTIATIONS?

The definition of negotiation is; a discussion aimed at reaching an agreement. Communication is key as always in all healthy dynamics and a PRE-SCENE NEGOTIATION is a discussion of the following topics before a scene begins.

  • Arrangement of Roles
  • Expectations and Needs of Both Partners
  • Limits of the Scene
  • Types of Play
  • Duration of the Scene
  • Health Concerns (If Any)
  • Safety Measures
  • Safe Words

This discussion aims to reach an agreement between both parties so that both parties know the explicit limits and boundaries of the scene.

If you are new to negotiating, it might be helpful to do a little work on your own before you talk to a partner. A great tool for pre-negotiation is a s3x menu (yes/no/maybe list) and is good for both parties to fill out, just because it will show your limits, and theirs. It is recommended to fill it out separately and then you can talk about everything together. A link explaining what a s3x menu is will be attached to this post.

Bringing a prepared list of ideas written out on paper to a negotiation is helpful, especially if you’re anxious about forgetting things, or just having the talk in general. Another thing you might want to do is make sure you have ample time allocated the first time you negotiate—preferably not in the few minutes before your first scene! Setting aside a specific chunk of time to talk will help, as it can be easy to get lost in excitement or forget important information if you’re planning to play soon.

Good Questions to ask during PRE-SCENE NEGOTIATIONS

  • What do you/don't want to do in the scene?
  • How do you want to feel?
  • Are there any physical conditions I should know about that may affect our scene?
  • Are there any mental concerns, triggers or trauma responses that may come up during play?
  • Do you have any accommodation requirements? (Things to make sure you are comfortable)
  • What should we do if something goes wrong?
  • What are your safewords?
  • What do you need for aftercare?

What do you/don't want to do in the scene?

This is naturally the first question, as you'll both want to know what kind of play you're interested in. Take time here to discuss your partner's limits, and boundaries when it comes to the scene. Here you can also discuss what implements both parties are okay with using and whether or not you wish to engage in s3xual activity during the scene.

Always negotiate in, not out! - an example of this was provided by another member and I found it very helpful myself. An example being, a top and bottom are negotiating an impact scene. While looking at a bag of implements the bottom may say I'm okay with anything besides the bull whip. But maybe they didn't the barbed wire flogger or electric crop. The top has now been told they can use anything besides the bull whip and that poor bottom may get something they did not mean to bargain for. Where as if the bottom were to say. This paddle, these floggers, this crop and this cane are okay to use, it creates a more informed negotiation with far less room for limit violations due to misunderstandings.

How do you want to feel?

This one is a little bit more specific, where you can fully explain how you want to feel during a scene. Some people like to play in order to get into altered headspaces (sub or top space, puppy or little space, etc.) and it can help to know both what your partner wants to feel, and what will get them there. A few example answers could include the following; “I want to feel pleasure,” “I want to feel humiliated,” “I want to feel cherished,” “I want to feel dirty,” etc.

Are there any physical conditions I should know about that may affect our scene?

This question is very important, especially if you might be playing any physically demanding way. Make sure you discuss any pre-existing injuries or health issues that may be aggravated during the scene, as well as accomodating any special needs that may be required. This also super important when using bondage devices as rope and other materials may cause damage to pre-exisiting nerve damage.

Are there any mental concerns, triggers or trauma responses that may come up during play?

Asking about mental concerns, triggers or trauma can be a stressful topic, but you never have to divulge any more information than what’s relevant to the scenes you plan to engage in. It is important to let your partner know if there is anything you might play with that could potentially be triggering for you, and how to navigate around those topics respectfully and safely. Many people seek out K!NK to play with ideas or themes related to past traumas in their lives and find it to be a useful healing tool, and that’s okay! However, we always recommend waiting to play with these themes until you have built a sufficient trusting bond with a partner, as revisiting them before you are both ready could be potentially damaging.

Do you have any accommodation needs?

Accommodation needs could include anything from making sure that there is water nearby in case you get thirsty, to making sure you have sufficient padding for a complex sh!bar! harness or tie. It can also include any particular products you wish to use (i.e. a particular lub3) or any relevant information to make the scene accommodating for both parties.

What should we do if something goes wrong?

In the interest of being prepared, it's definitely important to discuss what to do in the case of a potential accident. These maybe something simple like a first aid kit for knife play, or water/fire extinguisher if you are playing with fire. It can also include what to do in case of mental distress. It's always better to have a plan and not need it than to not have a plan and having to work it out as you go.

What are your safewords?

"Before any scene, it’s important to know the words or signals you can use during the scene, to pause or stop if you need to. Most public spaces go by the green-yellow-red signals and there are tons of people who use these privately as well, but you can make up any safe words that serve you. When you use either the stoplight system or your own, be sure to establish what these mean specifically (as in, does yellow mean pause and check-in? Or just stop doing that one thing you’re doing and move on?) so you’re both on the same page. It may also be a good idea to arrange a non-verbal signal in case the bottom is gagged, or if they are someone who has a hard time using words once they get into a certain headspace. Some examples are having the bottom hold something and drop it as a sign to stop, a quick double-tap of the finger, or some other way of using hand signals. Make sure that during play, you both have a way to communicate, even when conditions might make it difficult to do so."

What do you need for aftercare?

Aftercare is important and must always be discussed before a scene so that once the scene is over can implement it afterwards, when you or your partner may be in too much of an altered headspace to be able to ask for what is required. Sometimes it might be hard to know what's required ahead of time especially if this is something new for you. Read a little more about aftercare and some common forms of it here - https://www.facebook.com/groups/340433060988524/permalink/400569978308165/

Finishing Up with some important information

While negotiating, it might be useful to keep a note or document on hand that you record the information, especially if you want to continue scenes with this partner. It can serve as both a handy reference sheet for both parties as well as a document that can be added to as you explore more as partners and k!nksters.

As always communication is key in all healthy dynamics!

Helpful Links for further reading;

The Basics of Negotiating a BDSM Scene

How to Get What You Want From Scene Negotiation

Here is the s3x menu for anyone interested!

Sex Menu: A Beginner’s Guide for Doms and Subs

Until Next Time,

The Bogan

#BWNTeachEmTuesday